Last Will and Temperment of Boot to the Head

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(Courtesy of Ron O'Rourke . . . thanks!)

Lawyer: As the executor of Mr. Muldune's Estate I have been empowered to read his last will and temperment.

Ed (alcoholic brother): Well get one with it, the bars open soon.

Jenny (sister): Oh poor dear Arthur... wehhhh.

Hank (Jenny's wife / wimp): Oh there, there Jenny.

Ralstin (Know-it-all nephew): God how predictibly boring.

Mrs. Mulroy: I never worked for a kinder man.

Lawyer: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the readings.

Ed: Hehehheh.

Lawyer (reading): I Arthur B. Muldune, being of sound mind a body...

Ed: That's a laugh... heheheh.

Lawyer: ... do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows: To my overly emotional sister, Jenny.

Jenny: wehhhhhh!!!!!

Hank: Jenny dear, he's talking about us.

Jenny: Oh.

Lawyer: ... who grubbed their entire life, grubbed for everything I've got, then cried crocidile tears when I needed sympathy, to Jenny I leave a Boot to the Head.

Jenny: A what? [Boom] Ow!

Hank: Jenny, are you okay?

Lawyer: And another boot to her wimpy husband Hank. [Boom] Ow!

Ed: Heh heh.

Jenny: This is an outrage.

Lawyer: Ah but still, you are my sister, you have both admired my Royles Royce, and since I no longer need it...

Jenny: Oh dear Arthur, he's too kind!

Lawyer: ... I bequeath another boot the head.

Jenny: What? [Boom] Ow!

Ed: Heheheheheh.

Lawyer: And one more for the wimp.

Hank: [Boom] Ow!

Lawyer: Next, to my alcoholic brother...

Ed: Hey, I don't want no boot to the head.

Lawyer: To dear Ed who's never worked a day in his life...

Ed: I'm covering up my head!

Lawyer: I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey.

Ed: Really?

Lawyer: And a boot to the head.

Ed: [Boom] Oh!

Lawyer: And another for Jenny and the wimp.

Jenny: [Boom] Oh!

Hank: [Boom] Ow!

Lawyer: Next, to my know-it-all nephew Ralstin...

Ralstin: This is so predictable.

Lawyer: I leave a boot to the head.

Ralstin: [Boom] Uuh... I knew it.

Lawyer: ... and one for Jenny and the wimp.

Jenny: Ow!

Hank: Oh!

Lawyer: This takes care of family obligations... and now to Mrs. Mulroy...

Mrs. Mulroy: I don't want nothing.

Lawyer: ... who took care of me faithfully these many years, who cared, made me laugh, brought me tea ...

Mrs. Mulroy: Oh, I didn't mind.

Lawyer: ... to Mrs. Mulroy I bequeath... a boot to the head.

Mrs. Mulroy: [Boom] Oouhh!

Lawyer: And one more for Jenny and the wimp.

Jenny: [Boom] Ahh!

Wimp: [Boom] Ohh!

Lawyer: And so to my cat mittens, I leave my entire vast... Boot to the head!

Mittens: [Boom] Meoooeeewwwoooeerroooww!

Lawyer: And finally, to my Lawyer who has helped me on this will, I leave no a boot to the head, but a rabid tasmanian devil to be placed in his trousers.... ohh,... hah, ha, ha... and I leave my entire vast estate of 10 million dollars to the people of Calgery so they can afford to move somewhere decent!

Hank: Is that it?

Ralstin: Is that all?

Ed: That's disgraceful!

Lawyer: There's one last thing for everyone.

Ed: Cover your heads everybody.

Lawyer: I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream.

Ed: Ice cream?

Ralstin: Ice cream?

Hank: Ice cream?

Ralstin: That's all?

Lawyer: That's all.

Mrs. Mulroy: Well, what flavor is it?

Lawyer: Boot the head!

[Boom] Oh! [Boom] Ah! [Boom] Uh! [Boom] Ow! [Boom] Ahh! [Boom] Ugg! [Boom] Oww!